I was having an email chat with my three besties the other
day and Staci mentioned something that resonated with me: “I don’t want to only
see you at birthdays & baby showers or be WhatsApp friends”. Firstly, WHO’S
pregnant? And secondly, have we become so reliant on our online selves that we
forget to exist offline too?
When last did your landline bill (minus Wi-Fi) exceed your
data usage? When last did you dial a friend and chat for hours, or better yet
see them over a glass instead of frame them over the rim in a photogenic way?
When last did you ring a doorbell?
Technology has dictated the way we connect with people and
maintain relationships, and none more so than in our dating relationships. Now,
you’re never more than a finger swipe away from letting someone know that you’re
“on to the next one”, and let’s face it, it’s become creepy & downright,
ugly.
1. The
CIA would not find as much info as you did in 30mins of stalking BEFORE even
meeting your “target”. On that note, beware what you post online; remember that
your online life keeps your past ever present.
2. Now
you’re on the first date your thought process is running ahead of you like an
over-eager Jack Russel.
7pm – He’s not as tall as that pic of him playing tennis 3
years ago
7.01pm – And cuter than in that pic of his matric ball with
the wonky red shirt
7.13pm – Who is this girl greeting him? Not the ex, she was
more horse-like. *insert smile that says go away*
7.20pm – When will he tell me everything before I say “Oh, I
know”
7.23pm – Was she the ex? (And it just wasn’t
Facebook-documented) He only introduced her as “friend”…
And what do you talk about if you already know everything
about the other person before even saying “hello” for the first time. And never
mind the 3 days rule before calling again, those blue ticks tell you all you
need to know.
3.
It’s
not official till its Facebook official & you’ve mutually checked in at
relationship station.
What ever happened to the sweaty palms when
you can feel you’re about to have “the talk”. (I remember that feeling in
Summer 2013 :) )
No you have to be weary of being the first one to make contact, first to call,
first to acknowledge. It’s just ridiculous.
4. You’re
definitely being dissected via screenshots sent to another team of CIA agents.
If you survive the nod from 6 females or
more in a group chat you’ve made a good impression, never mind the Sunday lunch
to meet the parents.
5. Every
romantic gesture will now be documented.
Every. Single. Gift. Ever. Here’s looking
at you McDonald’s lunch delivered to the office :|
6. You’ll
no longer be able to accidentally meet the love of your life as you both reach
for that bottle of Ja- uhm, Ice Tea. Because unless you plan on dating the
delivery guy you’re never putting on pants to go shopping again.
7. You
might just impale a prospective lover with a selfie-stick.
“Excuse me, will you take my picture in
front of this *insert landmark*?” Will become an obsolete request and you’ll
never get to chat up the kind stranger. Put down the prosthetic limb and start
talking to people again.
8. Assumptions
rule the day
You can no longer claim to have not gotten
a message, if you’re not replying; you’re going to be presumed dead.
9. And
the mother of them all – cheating has evolved too. Dr Eve’s new book has just
landed on my desk and it discusses case studies with an in-depth look at the
newest form of infidelity – people who communicate in secret texts, chats, even
though they’re in a real-life relationship. She exposes the shocking impact on
modern-day marriages and relationships.
Watch Carte Blanche on 21 June 2015 to see
her interview on the subject.
I’d not know what to do if I was suddenly thrown into the dating pool
again. The obstacles and negotiations involved just seem too tiresome. Thank goodness
for the comfort of pj-dates and movie marathons. Goodluck to all the
#ForeverAlones, may you find the right swipe and the contentment of a happy
love :)
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