9 New Ugly Truths about Dating in the 21st century

I was having an email chat with my three besties the other day and Staci mentioned something that resonated with me: “I don’t want to only see you at birthdays & baby showers or be WhatsApp friends”. Firstly, WHO’S pregnant? And secondly, have we become so reliant on our online selves that we forget to exist offline too?

When last did your landline bill (minus Wi-Fi) exceed your data usage? When last did you dial a friend and chat for hours, or better yet see them over a glass instead of frame them over the rim in a photogenic way? When last did you ring a doorbell?

Technology has dictated the way we connect with people and maintain relationships, and none more so than in our dating relationships. Now, you’re never more than a finger swipe away from letting someone know that you’re “on to the next one”, and let’s face it, it’s become creepy & downright, ugly.

1.       The CIA would not find as much info as you did in 30mins of stalking BEFORE even meeting your “target”. On that note, beware what you post online; remember that your online life keeps your past ever present.

 

2.       Now you’re on the first date your thought process is running ahead of you like an over-eager Jack Russel.

7pm – He’s not as tall as that pic of him playing tennis 3 years ago

7.01pm – And cuter than in that pic of his matric ball with the wonky red shirt

7.13pm – Who is this girl greeting him? Not the ex, she was more horse-like. *insert smile that says go away*

7.20pm – When will he tell me everything before I say “Oh, I know”

7.23pm – Was she the ex? (And it just wasn’t Facebook-documented) He only introduced her as “friend”…

And what do you talk about if you already know everything about the other person before even saying “hello” for the first time. And never mind the 3 days rule before calling again, those blue ticks tell you all you need to know.

 

3.    

   It’s not official till its Facebook official & you’ve mutually checked in at relationship station.

What ever happened to the sweaty palms when you can feel you’re about to have “the talk”. (I remember that feeling in Summer 2013 :) ) No you have to be weary of being the first one to make contact, first to call, first to acknowledge. It’s just ridiculous.

4.       You’re definitely being dissected via screenshots sent to another team of CIA agents.

If you survive the nod from 6 females or more in a group chat you’ve made a good impression, never mind the Sunday lunch to meet the parents. 

5.       Every romantic gesture will now be documented.

Every. Single. Gift. Ever. Here’s looking at you McDonald’s lunch delivered to the office :|

6.       You’ll no longer be able to accidentally meet the love of your life as you both reach for that bottle of Ja- uhm, Ice Tea. Because unless you plan on dating the delivery guy you’re never putting on pants to go shopping again.

7.       You might just impale a prospective lover with a selfie-stick.

“Excuse me, will you take my picture in front of this *insert landmark*?” Will become an obsolete request and you’ll never get to chat up the kind stranger. Put down the prosthetic limb and start talking to people again.

8.       Assumptions rule the day

You can no longer claim to have not gotten a message, if you’re not replying; you’re going to be presumed dead.

9.       And the mother of them all – cheating has evolved too. Dr Eve’s new book has just landed on my desk and it discusses case studies with an in-depth look at the newest form of infidelity – people who communicate in secret texts, chats, even though they’re in a real-life relationship. She exposes the shocking impact on modern-day marriages and relationships.

Watch Carte Blanche on 21 June 2015 to see her interview on the subject.

 

 I’d not know what to do if I was suddenly thrown into the dating pool again. The obstacles and negotiations involved just seem too tiresome. Thank goodness for the comfort of pj-dates and movie marathons. Goodluck to all the #ForeverAlones, may you find the right swipe and the contentment of a happy love :)

I'm At That Awkward Age Where Half My Friends Are Getting Married, and the other half are trying not to shatter their I-Phone screens

 It was mid-way through my medium sirloin when Jarryd & I somehow ended up on the topic of our wedding menu. Obviously we’d have to have a plan B, seeing as prawn starters would send atleast 3 of our guests into anaphylactic shock. By the time I’d devoured the last onion ring on my plate we’d  finalised date, time, venue, cars, photographer, honeymoon in Vietnam and the 3 various menus. Oh, and the 50 guests, yes, this is my way of uninviting the Random-Three-Times-Removed-Relative-I’ll-Never-Admit-Being-Related-To.

In 20mins we’d planned something that often results in divorce before even getting to the altar. I know it takes a lot more than a lunch date but I’ve got a point… Stop rushing to Keep Up with the Kardashians, stop being so focused on creating the perfect picture and rather focus on living the life you strive to portray. Stop filling up my newsfeed with loveless eyes and empty poses in ridiculous engagement shoots. Why not use that for a deposit on a house and get out of your mother’s basement? Or put it in an educational trust for your kids? Stop being clouded by what you think you have to prove.

In one of my favourite episodes of Friends Chandler describes his dream of a life together with Monica and she immediately sees how fickle she’s been, wanting to blow his life savings on a “party”.

Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y’know? We’ll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.

Monica: You thought about that?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?

Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.

Monica: What else did you think about?

Chandler: Well, stuff like where’d we live, y’know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y’know, we could have a cat that had a bell on it’s collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we’d have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.

Monica: (laughs) Y’know what? I-I don’t want a big, fancy wedding.

Chandler: Sure you do.

Monica: No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage.

Chandler: You sure?

Monica: Uh-hmm.

Chandler: I love you so much.

Monica: I love you. (They kiss.) Hey listen umm, when, when you were talkin’ about our future you said cat, but you meant dog right.

Chandler: Oh yeah, totally!

Monica: Oh good.

 

I know that life isn’t scripted in a Hollywood studio, but maybe, just maybe if we focused on what really mattered there’d be less divorce, less broken homes and fragmented families.

I don’t want to mention names but recently a friend got married and had the most gorgeous wedding pictures, and you know what made it gorgeous? The genuine love and passion radiating through their smiles and eyes. (Selfie included :))

Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait for 3 February 2017. Cough. But I know there’s so much more to it than just the paper the invites get printed on and the gift registry at Yuppiechef. Our lives have become so controlled by what other people “like” or “heart” that we forget to enjoy the moments as they happen. 

3 things engaged couples should stop doing to their not-yet-engaged friends:

1)      Asking “So when are YOU getting married?”

2)      Inviting people to weddings nowhere near payday, in a blizzard, or heatwave

3)      Bragging. It’s so not classy.

I've been gone; Back in time for my quarter-life-crisis year

I haven't blogged in a while, whether that's due to personal tragedy, perceived slight depression or complete laziness (writer's block) - I'll leave that decision up to you. 

 

The worst part of it is that my opinions never went away, so I’ve been lugging these thoughts around with me without a meaningful outlet. And, no, I refuse to let it surmount to a ridiculous (pseudo-poignant) selfie with an obscure song lyric as accompaniment on Instagram. My opinions are more valuable than that. ;)  

 

In my time away I’ve been on a journey of clichéd inward discovery. I wish I had the luxury of having had this done on a remote island paradise, but alas, it was in the midst of my everyday middle-class life – along with the 95, gym sessions and daily carb-bashing. Not to mention putting my wolves on a diet and exercise program to make them resemble dogs again, and being the dotting daughter, sane sister, bestest, best friend and most awesomest girlfriend in the world. So life has been, well, life.

 I’ve been to restaurants I want to review; I’ve watched movies I need to criticise; sports teams have escaped my scrutiny and life’s little nuances have gone unreported, but that’s all about to change.

Here’s to the countdown to 25 and all the epiphanies, bad decisions, good decisions, leaps and most importantly growth that goes with it.

Is it December yet?